mom: did you take the dog out?
me: yeah i just did
mom: really?! when? while I was in the bathroom? that fast?
me: yes
mom: you mean me and Peter were peeing at the same time? WOO HOO! Go us! High five, Peter.

"nanana I wanna be sedated. Can I be sedated?"

mom: what is your favorite activity?
me: sleeping
mom: sleeping isn't an activity...well maybe it is since I lose half a pound every time I sleep.

me: can you drive me to school?
mom: ugh yeah just make sure you eat breakfast because it's really cold outside... wait. That doesn't make sense

mom: that's...fugly
me: oh my god, did you just say fugly!?!
mom: haha yeah I meant to say "feo" and "ugly"
me: LOL
mom: what's so funny? does fugly mean something?

we're gonna find the birds with dead syndrome

oh my god it's a circle? OH NO I HATE CIRCLES!! I HATE CIRCLES!

I'm very well educated on vaginas

mom: Don't curse, it doesn't make you cool
me: I'm not trying to be cool
mom: then what? Fresh?

Jen: Mom! He's a dog!

Mom: No! Es un perro!

me: I'm congested
mom: Oh I know what to do. You boil water and put salt in there and then inhale the fumes.
me: did you make that up?
mom: NO! I read it on the internet. I'm an internet woman.

Me: Yeah, ok, but then what?

Mom: Then they went to West Windsor and had babies like diarrhea.

Mom:let's go chewbacca.

Me: what?

Mom: don't you want to be called chewbacca?

Where's the dog? Probably masturbating...